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By June Yates-Boykin

The scenery on my drive to work was beautiful.  The road weaved in and out of wooded areas and pastureland with few homes along the way.  Even the two small communities I passed through were pleasant and peaceful.  The rolling hills provided points where breathtaking miles of God’s creation could be enjoyed.

But on this particular day, I couldn’t see the tree canopies shading the roadway, the cows grazing lazily, or even the lavender wildflowers that covered fields and worked their way up to the pavement here and there.  On this day, my natural vision was blurred by tears; my spiritual vision by complete confusion and the notion that this emotional mayhem was not at all Christ-like.

My mind was hurling conflicting information at me faster than a pitching machine malfunctioned at high speed.  I grabbed my bat and tried to knock those ideas out of the playing field that were illogical or against God’s Word. I just kept striking out.  None of them seemed to be.  Every contradictory argument in my brain made sense and lined up with some part of God’s Word.

So I lowered my bat, bowed my head, and just let the hard balls of reasoning pound my brain.  From every direction and faster than I could fend them off, they pelted my being.  I drove to work helpless against my own desire to know the right thing to do. 

Battered by words from the Bible, those heard in my own heart, and those from friends and loved ones who were not in agreement, I headed to cover my shift.  My stomach was in knots and my head hurt.  My chest felt as though I was pinned beneath a heavy beam struggling for every breath. 

The big controversy?  Was I supposed to be headed to work or not? 

God had blessed me when I didn’t deserve it with an outstanding position and very good pay.  He caused me to find favor after starting an entry level county government job, and I had been promoted five times in less than ten years.  I was in a top position with all its perks (and all its work, mind you), even though I held no formal degree. 

But a few years prior to this particular day, God had asked me to leave it all behind, move back to my hometown, and put my full time and effort into helping my mother with the church.  The very thing I said I would never do.  For months I had wrestled in the belly of a great fish. 

Through a series of means and events, God convinced me of exactly what He was asking me to do. I finally did it.  Although I understood that a time of testing would likely follow the decision, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this was God desire and directive for me. 

I resigned my post and moved home to Clermont. I dedicated myself full time to the things God had spoken.

Yet here I was almost two years later driving to a different job!  When a few years passed and financial conditions grew dire, I allowed the enemy the foothold of doubt and confusion. 

I had at least decided that if I was going back to work, it would be on a job where there was no possibility of becoming consumed.  No ladders to climb. No reasons to bring work home with me or to be often away from the family at conferences.  I would find a job where I could go in, do what I was supposed to do, and come home again.  I found one that fit that bill, although it required shift work and paid only one third of what I had been making.

Four months passed.  My life was actually less stressful as far as what I tried to accomplish for the church.  But my heart wouldn’t let go of the fact that God wanted me to be doing something entirely different.  Something that cut across the grain of my spirit – to not work a secular job.  I was to trust Him for my assignments and my pay as I had been trying to do for the past two years.

The spiritual and emotional distress had taken its toll.  I was a basket case.  Never happy.  Just pretending to be in order to keep comments at bay and family from worrying.  I questioned my motives.  I examined my heart.  I would even write extensive lists of the “to work a job/to not work a job” supporting arguments. I read them time and again as though at some divine moment I would see something I had been missing.

I resented everything and just about everyone in my life.  Yet, I would remind myself that I, and I alone, am responsible for my actions and my attitudes.  In those moments, I didn’t resent anyone.  I felt sorry for them.  Sorry that they were having to deal with my financial crisis and what appeared to be unconcern on my part.  I felt bad because I could feel that they were disappointed in me and it hurt them, yet I had to do what I knew I was to do. 

I just didn’t know anymore what that was.  I simply had to have a clear and concise answer.  Once I had that I’d be fine.  Of course, I even felt guilty asking for that at this point.  After all, God did manage to get through to me a few years prior.  He had already told me once.  Or had He?

The possibility remained that I had been wrong, or maybe that season in my life had come to an end.  On this particular drive to work, every fiber of my being cried out to God as the fiery debate between my heart and my head continued.

 “Ask for a light in the house.”  For a quick instant, my mind almost stood still.  I questioned what I had felt.  There it was again, “Ask for a light in the house.”  I knew immediately the house to which the unction referred.  It came to my mind right away.  It was a beautiful, two-story older home that sat abandoned in a chain-link fenced yard on my way to work.  Both to work, while it was day; and home again in the 3:00 a.m. darkness, this house would always catch my attention.  The yards were maintained, but the house was desolate. Uncovered windows exposed the emptiness inside.

It was such a wonderful place, yet frightening as it stood looming in utter darkness next to the roadway.  I wondered why it sat there in pitch blackness with no family inside.  Now, it stood as a strong tower in the center of turmoil.

I prayed.  With all of the attention and intensity one can muster while driving a vehicle along curvy roads, I prayed. 

“God, please.  I know this confusion is not of You.  I know I should be able to hear your voice clearly because I am indeed Your sheep.  You also know that I’m only human, and that I’m struggling right now to determine what You want and what is right.”

“So Lord, I’m asking from the depths of my heart, that You not be angry with me.  But that You’ll help me like You helped Gideon.  If indeed, I am to be working a job and can be at peace with that, then let the house remain as dark as it always is when I pass it on my way home in the morning.  But, if You have asked me to sacrifice the steady paycheck, trust in You, and devote my full time to family and ministry, then let there be a light in that house when I drive by.  Either way, Lord, this matter will be settled. I will be able move on without this weight in my heart. Please God, have mercy on me and answer me once more.”

I covered my shift in my normal, upbeat way.  I never let on that my insides were ripped apart for fear of disobedience every time I walked into the place and sat down in my chair to begin.  All throughout the night, though, my mind continued to torment me.  I had been foolish in asking God such a thing, I thought.  There would be no light, but that wouldn’t be an answer from God.  It would just mean that He was not going to acknowledge a sign-seeker.  I just need to make a decision and stick with it regardless of the outcome. 

At 3:00 a.m., I stepped out of the building into a clear night enhanced by a gentle, cool breeze.  I started the car, fastened my seat belt, and breathed a heavy sigh, “OK, God, here we go.”  The anticipation of a clear mind and knowing God’s will with certainty made the ten-to-twelve-mile journey feel like a hundred. The closer I got, the faster my heart beat and the more I had to battle my own thoughts and emotions.  I didn’t want to look.

Drawing close, I saw only blackness.  My heart started to sink.  But as I came to the edge of the large, fenced yard – I saw it!  A light!  I had expected the entire house to be lit up, to be able to see it from a great distance.  That didn’t happen.  But there, in a side window near the rear of the house I saw the brightest, round light I had ever seen!  And for the way it made me feel to see it, it might as well have been heaven. 

I almost wrecked as I passed the house trying to see it through the front windows. I could, but not to the same degree.  However, as I passed on by and looked in my driver-side mirror, the light reflected so brightly in my eyes that it caused me to squint and look away.  It was coming all the way through the house and out the rear window on the opposite side!

After driving just a moment past the house in complete awe, I decided to turn my car around and go back to see it again.  I just had to know it was real.  I had been in such a state of emotional turmoil I figured I might have imagined the whole thing. 

I circled the block to go back past the house.  There it was shining like the North Star come to earth.  I pulled to the shoulder of the road to stare at it for a while, totally amazed, though more at God’s mercy than at the light. 

Yes, there it was.  And there it was that I saw its source.  Across a tiny side road that provided access to other properties, and down about a block across an empty field, there was another house.  In their driveway was a huge, extremely bright light illuminating a middle-of-the-night game of basketball.  Somehow, because of its position and intensity, the light was traveling up and into the darkened, deserted house that had now become my haven of peace.

It might have been more exciting to not find the source of the light.  To imagine it as the light of God, or at the very least an angel of mercy.  Even though that’s not the case, the light was nonetheless a miracle of mercy from our heavenly Father.  Never in four months of driving the same way five early mornings a week, had I even noticed the other house.  Never in that time had there been a light on there at 3:00 a.m., let alone an ongoing basketball game.  Yet, on this night when I so desperately needed an answer from God – He came shining through.

That was many years ago.  People continued for a long while to comment about me “not working.” They couldn’t see that extremely little of my long days are spent on anything other than work.  It’s a different kind of work, yes, but my days start early and often end late.  Most of that time is spent on ministry in one way or another.   It didn’t bother me anymore, though.  I knew and still know I was called out for a purpose.

I am where God wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do.  Not perfectly, mind you, but doing my best.  I am completely dependent on Him for my health and my provision.  It’s amazing and exciting to be able to tell how He takes care of me. 

After several years He finally revealed to me why He asked such a thing from me.  At a much earlier time in my life I determined that I would never, ever be dependent on anyone.  Without realizing it, my heart had included God in that statement.  My will needed to be broken if I was going to fulfill His purpose for my life, and I had to come to that place of trusting Him completely.

I won’t say the temptation to return to the secular work force doesn’t cross my mind now and then.  When it does, my heart quickly responds, “Remember the light.”

It’s not my intent in sharing this story with you to advocate seeking a sign from God for every decision.  If you are born again the great Holy Spirit dwells inside of you.  He speaks to us.  He prompts us.  He reminds us of the written word that will answer our questions.  My intent is to remind you of the merciful God we serve.  He understands if we have not yet grown in relationship with Him to the point we recognize His voice clearly. When we are overwhelmed with emotion and confusion, His compassion does not fail.  When we are truly seeking God’s will and direction with all of our heart, He will go to great lengths to make sure we get the answer.

 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16, NKJV

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  James 1:5, NKJV

Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jer. 29:12, 13, NKJV

“Whatever He says to you, do it.”  John 2:5, NKJV

In your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, because you have obeyed My voice.”  Genesis 22:18, NKJV