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June Yates-Boykin

“Why do I look so strange today?  What is different?”  The mirror kept me ever aware of the changes the chemotherapy was causing in my body. Four-and-a-half months of four hour treatments once a week, plus radiation five times a week for the same duration was the prescribed treatment. 

                   Although I let it get me down a few times, for the most part I remained upbeat and positive through it all. On this particular day, though, something troubled me as I passed by the mirror.  I looked so weird.  Yes, weird.  I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why so I stopped to take a closer look. My feet would not move nor my eyes look away until I figured it out.  “Oh no,” I finally saw it, “not my eyelashes!”

                   They were gone. Completely gone.  My eyebrows, too.  No wonder I looked so strange!  My only recollection of ever seeing anyone completely bare-faced was a man in a movie.  Bald.  No eyebrows.  No eyelashes.  I remembered how creepy I thought the man looked, but he was supposed to in that plot.  That look was part of his character.

                   I wasn’t playing a role.  This was real life.  I stood looking at this odd face – my face – looking back at me.  I was devastated.  You’re probably thinking how petty that was of me. Of all the things going on in my body, the one that impacted me most was when I saw myself with no eyelashes?  How vain can a person be, right?

                   I’m sure part of it was the shock.  Somehow my brain did not connect eyelashes and eyebrows to “probable” hair loss.  This seemingly small change made a huge difference in my appearance, one I was not comfortable with.  Why did this trouble me like it did?

                   I’ve never considered my beautiful nor ugly.  I’ve always seen myself as normal or real concerning my appearance.  The one physical feature that I was always thankful for was my eyelashes.  They were long and dark.  If I wore certain brands of mascara, they would actually touch my eyeglasses and leave tiny black specs on the lenses.  I avoided those brands.  If I received a compliment about my appearance, it was most often my eyelashes.

                   Now they were gone.  I tried fake ones, but to no avail.  They would not stay on or they were too heavy or they looked too fake or whatever else I didn’t like about them, so I just made myself adjust to the zombie look and reminded myself they would grow back.

                   Fast forward twelve plus years.  It is easy for me to see and testify of how God brought me through that time miraculously.  I suffered far less than most, and for a large part my life continued as normal.  I dealt with the hair loss and the fatigue, but never the overall sickness that many endure.  I continued to work my job and go to church and other low-energy required activities.  The pain from the fire the radiation started inside of me was excruciating.  It charred my chest and esophagus area to the point that pictures taken inside of me looked literally like a picture of a solar eclipse.  That was short lived and served as an effective lesson to never, ever reject Jesus.  I refuse to die and go to hell.  I’ve felt enough fire on the inside.

                   My hair grew back, though not as much as I had before.  I still have scar tissue from the fiery radiation that causes me to cough under certain conditions or if I eat certain foods.  This, I am convinced, will not be forever.

                   My eyelashes never came back.  I have such a tiny amount of very short lash, less than the average infant.  So little that it is difficult even to apply mascara.  I have to be patient and steady-handed and use a highly magnified mirror to do so.

                   I know He’s able.  I know His idea of restoration is to make things at least as good, if not better, than they were before.  I know it’s His will that I be not just healed, but made whole.  That includes my eyelashes.

                   Not too long ago I again said as I stood before a mirror, “Lord, I want my eyelashes back.”  Something dawned on me at that moment that I had not considered before.  I suddenly remembered all the different ministers I’ve heard over the years refer to Jacob’s encounter with the angel of the Lord. I heard the many voices sharing how Jacob’s hip being pulled from its socket left him with a limp to remind him of that encounter.

                   I had to ask myself, “Would I still remember how God miraculously ended what the oncologists said could only be controlled, and would I still remember how little I was affected by it all compared to most people if I had my eyelashes back?”  You see, one of the things that reminds me of my encounter with a mighty God is when again take notice that my beautiful eyelashes are no longer on my face.

                   Even the cough from the damaged esophagus rarely reminds me because I don’t notice it as much as I used to.  No eyelashes?  I still notice.  Every time I look at a pre-cancer photograph, I notice.  Whenever I’m trying to make myself look presentable, I notice.  When I notice I’m reminded how much worse the results could have been.  I’m reminded to thank Jesus for bringing me through it all the way He did.

                   We humans are too prone to forget the magnitude of God’s love and grace and the things He does for us.  We need to remember, otherwise we cease to appreciate Him. It’s easy to slip back into our old ways and rob ourselves of future blessings:

21 They forgot God, their savior, who had done such great things in Egypt—
22 such wonderful things in the land of Ham, such awesome deeds at the Red Sea.
23 So he declared he would destroy them. But Moses, his chosen one, stepped between the LORD and the people. He begged him to turn from his anger and not destroy them. Psalm 106:21-23, NLT

Remembering what God has done for us is vital to our relationship with Him.  When we think about what He did for us, we continue to express our gratitude to Him.  As we think on what He’s done for us in the past our faith is made stronger.  When the next difficulty arises, we remember how He brought us through the last fiery trial.  We know what He did before He can and will do again.  The disciples easily forgot what Jesus had done, and their faith waivered.  Jesus asked them, “Do you not yet understand, or remember the five loaves of the five thousand and how many baskets you took up?  Nor the seven loaves of the four thousand and how many large baskets you took up?” (Matthew 16:9,10 NKJV)

                   When we remember, we have stories to share with those around us and future generations.  Our testimonies encourage others and lead the lost to Christ.  Sales training emphasizes, “facts tell, stories sell.”  That same principle is true in our witness for Jesus.

                   After Joshua led Israel across the Jordan into the promised land, God instructed him to build a memorial of twelve stones. Why?  “…that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.  So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever.” (Joshua 4:1-7, NLT) Why?  As a reminder to tell their children the story of how God rescued them and brought them into their land.

                   God knows we need reminders.  That was not the only memorial or ritual He ordained.  There are several throughout Scripture.  The rainbow is a reminder set by God of His faithfulness.  Jesus Himself established the holy communion as a reminder of His incredible sacrifice for our sakes (Luke 22, 1 Corinthians 11:24, 25).  The cross continues to serve as a reminder to us all of that same act and the price He paid for us.

                   About three years ago I adopted a practice suggested by a minister to have a small book dedicated to giving thanks for things God does for us.  Not just the big, miraculous things, but all types of things.  Once a week I pick up that book and make note of at least one thing, usually two or three, that stand out to me from the week before.  After making note of them I flip back through the book stopping here and there to refresh my memory.

                   All kinds of gifts from God are noted in that book.  A powerful manifestation of God’s presence at Sunday service.  The blooms on my orchid (I don’t have a green thumb).  Access to Christian programming.  A special day with my grandsons. 

                   These entries and many more like them are found in my book. As I flip back through each time I realize how easily I forget how blessed I am. How easy it becomes to take God’s love for granted if we’re not careful.  My little book is to remind myself of things God has done for me so I will give thanks,  but I also benefit.  I am reminded of just how blessed I am and my joy is renewed with each entry.  I am encouraged and strengthened to face the day.

                   Years ago my mom had a close friend who was also our church pianist.  Peggy was her name.  Peggy has a beautiful voice; she sings in Heaven now.  She and my mom would duet a song that I often still hear them sing:

Roll back the curtain of memory now and then.
Show me where you brought me from, and where I could have been.
Remember I'm human, and humans forget.
So remind me, remind me, dear Lord.
Remind Me Dear Lord, Dottie Rambo

I do want my eyelashes back.  I do know God is able.  But now my prayer sounds a little different.  “Lord, I want my eyelashes back, but if no eyelashes is what reminds me of what you brought me through and the amazing way in which you did it, then I’d rather not have them. You keep them.  Hold on to them for me.” 

                   I don’t ever want to forget the wonderful works of God in my life.  I don’t ever want to stop being grateful or sharing it with others.  If that means I have to look a little weird or unattractive, so be it.

©2023

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